Cheltenham - Other Attractions

Dancing Ken, he is officially a Monster Raving Loony!

When growing up, there was many a time that the playground would become awash with whispers about the legendary Dancing Ken. Rumour had it that if you called out his name three times he would appear and eat you. This, however, proved to be untrue. But luckily, the mythical creature that is Dancing Ken proved to be very much true, for it was during my 13th year that I caught sight of his cowboy hat, cowboy jacket, and dancing cowboy shoes. By my 15th birthday I also discovered he had a cowboy car, and much to my pleasure, by chance I also discovered his cowboy house one sunny Sunday afternoon. Visitors to town can catch a glimpse of this wonder by taking a stroll down Waterloo Place (you cannot fail to miss his home!), they may even get to see the man himself dancing outside of Tesco in the High Street. Still, as I understand it, he is dancing in the grand name of charity, and is also the local representative for the Monster Raving Loony Party, so he can be totally forgiven for his actions.

As far out and wacky as he may be, he is a true local fund-raising good-time-having dancing cowboy-shoe-wearing hero...... now, if only the same could be said about the man who rides around with a ghetto blaster and little dog in his basket, or the older gentlemen who walks around with a shopping trolley shouting "ey ey ey bighead ey ey bighead ey ey ey".

(Review kindly submitted by Nick Day). The architect of this edifice must still be laughing at the venue he inflicted on the town. Firstly the main hall has proportions roughly 1x1x2, hence suffers from dreadful acoustics and standing waves. Secondly, the aptly named Pillar Room is cunningly designed so that the maximum number of audience members are treated to the view of one or even two marble pillars obscuring the action at the front. Fortunately there are several excellent alternatives in the town, including the inaptly named Bacon Theatre and the Ev eryman Theatre (as it proclaims itself in engraved stone lettering above the entrance). Oh, and the Playhouse Theatre, beneath which are the original Slipper Baths, a disused swimming pool.

(Submitted by Randall Northam of SportsBooks Limited). What's the point of submitting a review - you don't post unfavourable ones.

(Review NOT my own, submitted by someone from the United States). The Cheltenham Police Department is continuously disrespectful to members of the US Armed Forces. They don't seem to realise that we are at least their equals and I refuse to be treated like a bitch by these civilians.

Not every visitor to Cheltenham notices our river. They must be in de-nile.

The River Chelt is one of the unsung natural beauties of Cheltenham Spa. The rich clean water of the River Chelt, known to the locals as 'Old Big Sally', flows majestically throughout the town enriching the lives of all those who paddle in her, swim in her, and, on rare occassions, even drink from her. There are many vantage points where visitors can view this lovely river, the more adventurous may wish to follow the river into the St Peters area where they will witness the wonderment of the sewerage overflow system magically mixing with the rivers flow. My personal favourite is the outside table section at Wetherspoons, where in the summer you can drink a pint of Fosters with gay abandon whilst sitting over the River Chelt and swatting away the many, many, midges and flies that she carries with her.

Breathtaking, outstanding, a true national treasure. These are not words anyone has ever used to describe 'Old Big Sally', but they should do, as she is.

(Review supplied by Adam Davis). Cheltenham is famed throughout the Cotswolds for its' colourful tramps. Rather than drinking Special Brew and pissing in doorways, Cheltenham's homeless are an endless source of entertainment. Street art, face painting, snake charming (!), stealing childrens' footballs, drinking Diamond White, listening to the radio, selling six week old copies of the Big Issue, and setting up a 'living room' (complete with furniture) on the High Street are all techniques employed by your average Cheltonian tramp to either get cider money or just get in the Gloucestershire Echo.

Cheltenham recently strengthened its claim to offer the most thrilling Boy Racing Circuit in Britiain with the resurfacing of the famous inner ring-road and a new traffic light hazard at the Huxters chicane. This follows the restructuring of the Royal Well Straight 'Pit Area' behind the Council offices which now allows peroxide blonde teenage girls the opportunity to wear their yellow Puffa jackets and cheer on their baseball cap wearing heroes from the comfort of newly designed bus shelters. The circuit currently attracts top racers from Cheltenham and the surrounding area and, with the completion of these new facilities, youngsters from as far afield as Stroud have brought their Ford Fiestas and Escorts into town to negotiate the inner ring road.

(Another review of Cheltenham Circuit, submitted by Billy Badboy). I think that the Cheltenham Circuit is the best thing in Cheltenham. You can rally your beat-up MK3 Escort round the town against similar other morons driving equally shite attempts at modded vehicles and, yes, there is an overwhelming chance of picking up a ruff young slapper!

(Review from Jason Baxter). The school to go to in Cheltenham has got to be Pittville School.

(EDITORS NOTE: Noddy is now dead, much to the delight of the stupid inbred people who kept scribbling letters to the local newspaper.) Without a doubt the envy of towns and cities throughout Europe, Cheltenham has not one, not two, but a stonkingly amazing three electric road trains (not any more!!!) dedicated to ferrying passengers around the town at speeds in excess of 3mph. These awesome beasts were given the title of 'Noddy Trains' by the local newspaper for their amazing similarity to those embarassing little things you find at run down holiday resorts such as Weston-super-Mare and Wales. However, as the following picture will suggest, the newspaper comments are a load of crap.

Despite the high costs and negative publicity attached to this fleet of people carriers, Cheltenham just wouldn't be the same without them. The current route starts from the car park opposite the Millennium Restaurant and proceeds at a snails pace around the town stopping at famous landmarks including M&S, Cavendish House, The Quadrangle and the side of Littlewoods before returning to the car park. At the time of writing it is free to board the Noddy Train so, as the song suggests, the best things in life really are free (EDITORS NOTE: Not any more though as the service has been withdrawn, much to the delight of the stupid inbred people who kept scribbling letters to the local newspaper.).

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THE BIT OF ADVERTISING YOU GET ON ALL SITES:
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